My original post here was a request for help with a translation (as per the title) but I've removed it due to the number of people who were more interested in giving their opinions and belittling my reason for wanting the translation. I came here for help, and for the most part that's not what I got! Hopefully if I ask for help in future that won't be the case, as I generally enjoy reading posts and comments in this comm.
I have a copy of all comments on e-mail, so if anyone did want a copy of replies to their own comments from other users, please let me know and I will pass it on. There was some discussion that I'm sure would be of help to some. :)